Tag Archives: the meaning of life

Where the hell are you going?

So we have this life. Some people say it is a gift, some people say we are living in hell. I really don’t know. What I do know is life is a fucken struggle. I have been broke, I am have had a decent amount of money I have been in love and I have lost love but no matter what my situation is, or no matter how I feel in any given moment I know that however I feel it is only temporary.

I strive for “happiness” what is happiness to me? well first thing that co
mes to mind is security. Security in knowing that I will have a roof over my head and independence and freedom to do the things I want.

Second is love. Love is important to me but I also feel that love is a problem because with love you open yourself up to possible pain. But since everything is temporary I feel that wanting love from a girl that I can sorta trust is fine as long as I have security of my first wish/want in place.

3rd is knowing that when I die there is something better for me waiting. So I guess this is kinda a ludicrous statesmen because I want to know that there is more, but I mentally cannot accept the answer if it is that this life is it.


Me as a person and living up to “notallthere” I go after all of these 3 things on a daily basis and I burn myself out from trying to discover different ways of achieving all of them or one of them, rotating methods, asking opinions reading books and looking for answers in stupid movies, song lyrics, tv shows and shit, sometimes commercials.  The older I get the more I become certain of only 1 thing. I  must choose something solid and positive  that I can believe in our I will snap. I can honestly say that every person I have ever met seems to have their life more together then I do.  I have met some pretty messed up individuals but somehow my brain seems to twist things in a  way that they seem to be more certain about things then I do.

Im just a little bit confused about how people are all going around living and dealing with the pending doom of loosing loved ones, getting old and ill.

Am I trying my absolute hardest to achieve my goals? Why are there things I know I can do to make things better but don’t do them. What is laziness, truly.I dont feel like anything could possible get any harder. I mean I know it can, but it cant right now. I wish I knew which path to take for sure. If I did, I would stick to it like glue on a shoe and never deviate.


If I had to give advice to myself I would say.

1. Keep reading books about the subjects that are most important to you.

2. stay as busy as possible but take breaks and rest before burn out.

3. find something healthy to enjoy. ………….


great advice. but I feel like I am FUCKEN SICK OF TAKING ANY ADVICE EVEN MY OWN!! I really feel like I dont want to “try” anymore and I KNOW the road infront of me is  a never ending fucken road. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

part 2 “the carrot” (In response to where the hell are you going)




the meaning of life

They created us as a reflection of themselves. For them to understand their problems they have to observe us and see how we fix our own problems. We exist for them and they exist for us. We will create to understand ourselves so that we can make things right. When we understand they will understand and we will become one.

This thought came to my head as I was lying on the ground in the park after I went for a run. I was looking up at the trees and I was thinking about the meaning of life and what we are and what earth is and I was looking at the leaves of the trees and thought to myself. That I do not even understand a leaf how can I ever understand life.

Then I thought that maybe it is no
t fair to even consider that I can ever understand life. But then why am I always wondering about life and what I am and what everything is and what the hell that bee is doing or that squirrel over on the tree. What is obsession what is love and why is why? I thought about a baby squirrel I had when I was a kid and how much I loved it and how much it hurt when it died. I thought about how quickly love can turn to hurt and hurt into coldness.  What if squirrels are selfish? But what if sometimes we briefly find ways to communicate with them and for a split second their fear subsides because somehow we are connected for a split second. I don’t know. I know this sounds like crazy shit but this is the kind of stuff I think about. But then the above thought came to my head. Maybe it’s all the alien stuff my sister tells me about, maybe it’s the religion I was raised with or maybe whatever life is gave me an answer to a question the only way that it could that I could even slightly comprehend the immensity  of the question that I am forever asking.