Tag Archives: loosing keys

An entire story about a fucken key

Let’s start from the beginning and end at the end.

About a year ago my mother bought me a nice coat to wear to work. It was a spectacular gift!!.  (hooray)
One day I felt a small hole in my pocket.
Being the fidgety like two widen holes (heh wink) type of guy  that I am I picked the hole while my hands where bored in the pocket. The hole became to be the size of an overweight dime. I made a strong resolution to stitch up the whole to prevent the loss of things that are normally held safely in coat pockets i.e.: (change, keys sandwiches) Time went by with out a problem and my plans to fix the problem became lost in my brain which was filled with more important things like getting new shoe laces for my shoes and untangling the wires behind my computer desk. One day I brought to work about 3 dollars in quarters. The quarters fell in the hole and into the darkness regions of the coat, in the bottom corners where the inside meets the outside (kind of like middle earth from lord of the rings) but unlike Frodo and trying to fish them out I simply sliced a new hole in the stitching and shook the quarters out into my dry cracked bear claw hands.

I quickly went to the candy bar machine and bought a butter finger candy snack bar and a bag of fringos yellow tiger snaps. I didn’t want to waist time so forced them all into my mouth at the same time and swallowed them with hardly chewing the enjoyment was only momentary but sometimes I live for momentary satisfaction.

Months went by without another mishap but actually now that I am typing this and thinking about it im sure I had put change in that pocket after this happened but I probably didn’t realize it because of the easy escape canal down the pocket into the dark seemed regions where the inside and outside meet and off to the ground where some nigger probably scooped it up and bought heroin or crack with or whatever ever it is they do with the money they steal or find.  WELLL if you recall earlier in the story I had said that the hole was the size of a quarter that has an eating disorder the holes size did not increase or decrease… I guess part of me hoped that the hole would some how mend itself but as much as I want to believe in the evolution of my coat to some day gain the ability to be self healing I knew this was a dream and not a reality that would likely never  take place unless .. well that’s stupid anyway ill continue lets forget about that fucken nonsense.

SOoo this brings us to today the present day. I decided I wanted to take a walk on my lunch break because my arms felt itchy and my coffee was almost done but I was like ill take my keys for some reason..(actually I know the reason but that is an entirely different story) I placed them in my pocket with the hole. I realized that I placed them the hole pocket but I realllllly didn’t feel like going back in that pocket and putting it in the other pocket and waisting all that time and energy, I figured the probability due to the size of the hole of them falling out was slim and it was worth the chance.
( yes I know , I defiantly need to face the reality that I am quite possibly  mildly retarded this really was my thought process at that split second and I realize the utter insanity and stupidity of it much more now that I am typing it)
so im walking briskly all over Livingston like a maniac having the time of my life smiling whistling waving at cars and laughing at life. I see a construction site with cut down trees. I decided to start walking on the trees jumping log to log then I see a plastic soda can filled up with a wonderful  looking yellow liquid I start kicking it as hard as I could I kicked it into traffic and it smacked into the side of a bmw with a loud THWOCK!   This really happened… I was like fuck and I started walk running and I ducked into a parking lot and continued my walk home. I am getting sick of writing this moronic story of ridiculous events so Ill wrap it up for both our sakes.

The rest of my walk included standing on a back hoe and taking pictures of my feet and walking on a curb trying to balance my self and thinking ” if I do this every day I will be able to walk on anything and balance myself!!” I get back and realized my keys where missing. FUCK. These where my spare set FUCK  FUCK FUCK FUCK im totally fucken fucken mad about my fucken keys. I  email my boss on my BB that I have to come back from lunch late because my keys are lost and I need to retrace my steps. By now I realize how fucken cold it is out. I realize im freezing actually. I realize that im totally screwed if they are gone. I realize that I walked over many sewer grates and through thick high grass. I start thinking about how immature I am as a grown man going on these stupid walks…
As I walked looking I almost got hit by cars I imagine I look totally foolish and insane walking around looking at the ground and in sewers. My mind goes through a million thoughts like, “ill find them where else can the be? ” Then “Ill never find them I never find anything I lose!!”, and  ” ill find them but if I think Ill find them I wont so I have to convince myself I wont find them” and “why did Chris Danny and jasmine stand me up on my bday I was such good friends to them” Then finally I realized I had to make a deal with  god to find them so I ask st Anthony to help me find them and if he helps me find them ill go to church Sunday, Then I think god probably doesn’t like making deals with his minions so I thought about it for  a while and I considered saying to st Anthony ” listen ill go to church either way even if I don’t find them” I quickly dismissed this idea because I thought to myself  ” god knows everything so he knows that im making this deal because I know that he doesn’t like me to bargain with him but he also knows that I am saying that because I think he doesn’t want me to bargain with him so in a way I still am bargaining with him” s
o I left it at “forget it if you want to help me help me” I looked everywhere nothing nothing nothing. Fuck fuck fuck. I get almost back to my job and I see them dangling over a sewer grate. GOT EM. My levels of awesomness shoot through my brain and my eye balls explode!! I take my shirt off and jump on top of a car and start scream howling and beating my chest till my hands are coverd with my own blood and my bones cave in.

There was many questions surrounding why this happened, Maybe it was karma from kicking a bottle of piss at a bmw? ( which was not intentional but I knew the possibility existed that , that would happened and I did it anyway) Maybe it was because im stupid but either way it happened and we all have to deal with that and move forward.

If you read through this hole (ha)  story and you are looking for a moral then you are dumber then me and you need to be thrown into a room with padded walls so you cant lose your keys, but really kids fix your holes.