My doorbell rang and I opened the door. I looked down and there standing upright as clear as day was an orange carrot.
Like a whole carrot. A real farm carrot with the long green stem. It started dancing and swinging its green hair around. It said to me “Bro you gotta CARR IT” I was in shock. It told me to follow it to the stream by my house. I followed it. It had an orange-sh glow around it. I followed it for days and days. Through the woods and streams. We went into watchung mountains and into an old abandoned house. It started to dig a hole. Very fast. So fast that I fell down the hole.
Inside the hole the carrot turned into an orange angel. She was hot with orange skin and green carrot hair. She told me that everything would be ok as long as I created a world for myself. She told me that in this world I would have everything I could imagine now and forever. She then looked at me dark eyed. here gaze narrowed and a shadow partially covered her face. ” nothing is as it seems. the laws you have created for yourself are not real because they are made up by what you think are right and wrong. there is no such thing as logic as you know unless you want it to be. there is a truth but it is yoru truth.”
I told her that she was insane and I cant stand crazy double riddle self-help book talk. She then slapped me with her wing and told me that tupac records had allot of answers in them. I toild her im more of a biggy guy. She laughed and was like ” biggy was a fucken moron” I told her I agreeded but I just liked the way his songs sounded better. She thought for a moment and then said ” yes I agree, biggy had a better sound to his songs but that has NOTHING to do with what im talking about. How somthing sounds, has nothing to do with the knowledge contained within, lots of shit sounds good and is full of shitty messages and some shit sounds good and has a good message. 2pac was kinda like a little of both”
She then sat down and was like listen. You are going to go mad you know. Actually, you are already quite mad. But I got to hand it to you, out of all the crazy people that are hanging on by a thread, you hide it better then most. I mean really, if we had awards for hiding maddness, yoiu would probably get one. but we dont, and …well. yeah , anyway,.”
I was like no shit. we both laughed.
Me: angel, do you even really know?
her: shit if, I did do you think I could tell you?
me: more riddles.,,,,, ? whatever.
her: yep god loves riddles.
her: god is a riddle computer.
her: maybe. look, stop asking all these questions. Just pick somthing you beleive in and stick with it unless your life is going
to be… well… the way it is..
me: you know what. who the fuck are you angel? that sounds like shitty advice. I think life is a quest for knowledge.
her: well there you go.
Just then the carrot came back and stabbed the angel in the head a million times and screeched “fALSE PROFIT FALSE PROFIT, FALSE PROFIT”
carrot: why is the first mario brothers so appealing?
Me: Super mario brohters or mario brothers were you ran around in circles on one screen?
Carrot: SUPER mario brothers. the first one dont even count.
me: first one was fun if you had to players, but anyway to answer your question I would say, 8bit, pretty colors, easy game play and mushrooms you can jump on.
carrot: ….. maybe you are just too stupid to help yourself.
me: that thought is defiantly crossing my mind since i just made this entire story up and have no idea what the point of it was or where I was gong with it.
carrot: carrots give you good eye site.
me: oh, eye see.
They say you are not fully clean unless you are zestfully clean” this is really terrifying on so many levels if you examine the statement.
Not only is it a huge insult because they are saying that I am not clean, I am dirty, I havent been clean my whole life up until the point I purchased zest soap today from the westfeild drug fair. Its also creating paranoia that you cant b
e clean unless you buy there soap. Instilling fear in the buyer. Further more please dont be mistaken dove, axe and other soap brands. This is not a friendly competition for zest they are out for BLOOD and is flat out saying that your soap is garbage and no soap anywhere on earth can make you fully clean unless its zest. Figuratively slapping every other soap company in the FACE!.
What if you do not have zest with you? What if some how zest goes out of business??? Sorry you ARE NOT CLEAN. You feel ashamed of yourself. You dont want to be in public because you did not use zest soap and you are not fully clean. Before you know it you loose your job you dont want to be around people in public you feel ashamed about not being fully clean so you deicide the hell with ever washing again, you never bathe I mean whats the point?!?!!?!? You can scrub your body with brillo till your skin peels off but your still not fully clean. ( according to the ZEST corporate brainwashing)
Why try to do something if you know you can never do it right. Why try to be clean if you can never be fully clean1?!! You are covered in mud and garbage you cant find a job you seclude yourself from your friends and family take to the street start shooting up heroin to escape the mental mind games that zest has melted into your once sharp brain. All because of zest! Sounds crazy and far and far fetched.?.
Yes maybe slightly but who is to say that it couldnt happen? You? !
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO the FUCK are you?! Yeah thats what I thought.. Dont judge my freeinddont judge No im not mad at you im just saying who are you. Anyway.
I really am against this kind of brain washing in commercials and it truly saddens me that they feel there product is so inferior that they need to resort to insults and a form of mind control.
Why not just say Zest soap is really great we think if you try it you will enjoy using it and may want to purchase it on a regular basis
They have to say
Unless. You use our soap. The choice is yours.
Anyway just something I thought about today, Being the master of the mind that I am and having a mental steal gate surrounding my brain that can not be perturbed by outside influence of bullshit soap brainwashing I have tried zest today and I would like to make a statement that can be put on the record and made public and used by any one that deems it necessary to publish.
Zest is like a bar of soap with perfume injected into it. Not only do I not feel like this is the cleanest day of my life. (Which I should according to there add seeing I have never been fully clean until this day) I actually feel less clean.
You heard it from me because I love all of you. I love you so much xoxoxoxo
The year was I was 16. The time was a great one. My friends were a fat black kid with braces and a tree climbing monkey and a couple of pot smoking degenerates that accepted me for the home schooled freak that was Anthony.
My grandfather gave me a dodge aries K car. Since Boy did I want to get my learners permit. Since Nobody wanted to teach me how to drive, I decided to teach myself. It started with lying and saying that I got my learners permit and driving with some fuckne loser with a pony tail from texas named vinny that I barely knew who had a fake license but was 17. I would let him drive my car. Soon after I deiced to try myself.
The first night I ever drove a car I drove with the blacker (black cracker) friend brian. I remember driving around in cranford and having so much trouble keeping the car in a straight line that I drove into at least 5 trees and a couple of telephone poles at low speed. After about 30 minutes I felt that I got the hang of it and he convinced me that the only way to learn to drive for real was to drive on the parkway. He was right, like rollerblading it seemed the faster I drove the easier it became. That night turned into a drive to nyc that I continued to drive into things and onto sidewalks. Some Fucken way I made it home. After that, I started driving around more and more. Man oh man the Fucken pressure I felt of the fear of getting pulled over. Then one day on a trip to teen night at club xs in seaside I got pulled over on the perth amboy bridge drinking mad dog 20/20, with beer cans all over the car and a 30 pack of coors extra gold in the trunk.
Some how I manged to confuse the cops about the the legalities of driving but the beer was hard to explain. He said “ wait here, ill be right back” I thought for sure I was going to jail. Instead from his car he said on the loud speaker “ Anthony, bring one of those N****er beers over here. I brought it to his car, he took it and said to me “ have fun and make sure you bang some of those teen night girls for me”
A normal human being would have went home, but instead we still went saying “ wow god really wants us to go!!”
My life may be a disaster, but I sure as shit was good at making it so.
Notallthere, aka the human tornado ( a nickname my grandfather gave me)
Let’s start from the beginning and end at the end.
About a year ago my mother bought me a nice coat to wear to work. It was a spectacular gift!!. (hooray)
One day I felt a small hole in my pocket.
Being the fidgety like two widen holes (heh wink) type of guy that I am I picked the hole while my hands where bored in the pocket. The hole became to be the size of an overweight dime. I made a strong resolution to stitch up the whole to prevent the loss of things that are normally held safely in coat pockets i.e.: (change, keys sandwiches) Time went by with out a problem and my plans to fix the problem became lost in my brain which was filled with more important things like getting new shoe laces for my shoes and untangling the wires behind my computer desk. One day I brought to work about 3 dollars in quarters. The quarters fell in the hole and into the darkness regions of the coat, in the bottom corners where the inside meets the outside (kind of like middle earth from lord of the rings) but unlike Frodo and trying to fish them out I simply sliced a new hole in the stitching and shook the quarters out into my dry cracked bear claw hands.
I quickly went to the candy bar machine and bought a butter finger candy snack bar and a bag of fringos yellow tiger snaps. I didn’t want to waist time so forced them all into my mouth at the same time and swallowed them with hardly chewing the enjoyment was only momentary but sometimes I live for momentary satisfaction.
Months went by without another mishap but actually now that I am typing this and thinking about it im sure I had put change in that pocket after this happened but I probably didn’t realize it because of the easy escape canal down the pocket into the dark seemed regions where the inside and outside meet and off to the ground where some nigger probably scooped it up and bought heroin or crack with or whatever ever it is they do with the money they steal or find. WELLL if you recall earlier in the story I had said that the hole was the size of a quarter that has an eating disorder the holes size did not increase or decrease… I guess part of me hoped that the hole would some how mend itself but as much as I want to believe in the evolution of my coat to some day gain the ability to be self healing I knew this was a dream and not a reality that would likely never take place unless .. well that’s stupid anyway ill continue lets forget about that fucken nonsense.
SOoo this brings us to today the present day. I decided I wanted to take a walk on my lunch break because my arms felt itchy and my coffee was almost done but I was like ill take my keys for some reason..(actually I know the reason but that is an entirely different story) I placed them in my pocket with the hole. I realized that I placed them the hole pocket but I realllllly didn’t feel like going back in that pocket and putting it in the other pocket and waisting all that time and energy, I figured the probability due to the size of the hole of them falling out was slim and it was worth the chance.
( yes I know , I defiantly need to face the reality that I am quite possibly mildly retarded this really was my thought process at that split second and I realize the utter insanity and stupidity of it much more now that I am typing it)
so im walking briskly all over Livingston like a maniac having the time of my life smiling whistling waving at cars and laughing at life. I see a construction site with cut down trees. I decided to start walking on the trees jumping log to log then I see a plastic soda can filled up with a wonderful looking yellow liquid I start kicking it as hard as I could I kicked it into traffic and it smacked into the side of a bmw with a loud THWOCK! This really happened… I was like fuck and I started walk running and I ducked into a parking lot and continued my walk home. I am getting sick of writing this moronic story of ridiculous events so Ill wrap it up for both our sakes.
The rest of my walk included standing on a back hoe and taking pictures of my feet and walking on a curb trying to balance my self and thinking ” if I do this every day I will be able to walk on anything and balance myself!!” I get back and realized my keys where missing. FUCK. These where my spare set FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK im totally fucken fucken mad about my fucken keys. I email my boss on my BB that I have to come back from lunch late because my keys are lost and I need to retrace my steps. By now I realize how fucken cold it is out. I realize im freezing actually. I realize that im totally screwed if they are gone. I realize that I walked over many sewer grates and through thick high grass. I start thinking about how immature I am as a grown man going on these stupid walks…
As I walked looking I almost got hit by cars I imagine I look totally foolish and insane walking around looking at the ground and in sewers. My mind goes through a million thoughts like, “ill find them where else can the be? ” Then “Ill never find them I never find anything I lose!!”, and ” ill find them but if I think Ill find them I wont so I have to convince myself I wont find them” and “why did Chris Danny and jasmine stand me up on my bday I was such good friends to them” Then finally I realized I had to make a deal with god to find them so I ask st Anthony to help me find them and if he helps me find them ill go to church Sunday, Then I think god probably doesn’t like making deals with his minions so I thought about it for a while and I considered saying to st Anthony ” listen ill go to church either way even if I don’t find them” I quickly dismissed this idea because I thought to myself ” god knows everything so he knows that im making this deal because I know that he doesn’t like me to bargain with him but he also knows that I am saying that because I think he doesn’t want me to bargain with him so in a way I still am bargaining with him” s
o I left it at “forget it if you want to help me help me” I looked everywhere nothing nothing nothing. Fuck fuck fuck. I get almost back to my job and I see them dangling over a sewer grate. GOT EM. My levels of awesomness shoot through my brain and my eye balls explode!! I take my shirt off and jump on top of a car and start scream howling and beating my chest till my hands are coverd with my own blood and my bones cave in.
There was many questions surrounding why this happened, Maybe it was karma from kicking a bottle of piss at a bmw? ( which was not intentional but I knew the possibility existed that , that would happened and I did it anyway) Maybe it was because im stupid but either way it happened and we all have to deal with that and move forward.
If you read through this hole (ha) story and you are looking for a moral then you are dumber then me and you need to be thrown into a room with padded walls so you cant lose your keys, but really kids fix your holes.
Most Disgusting Thing I Have Ever seen
This happened two years ago so the details are kinda fuzzy. I used to go to this place called ” the junk yard” in paramus. It is an interesting place. You walk in the door and you have an area to sit and eat and delicious greasy baskets of crap. Upstairs is a bar area where sub-normal talent local crap rock cover bands play.
The place is an oasis of drunk college girls with pretty faces and fat belly’s. The fat belly’s i would imagine accompany these girls because of the over abundance of weed and coors extra gold in college. Weed leads to eating. Coors extra gold makes u fat and also leads to eating. Fat womans rights college dike daria looking bitches teach girls they don’t have to care about how they look. So this encourages the girls to let the fat to be there and grow when they laying around eating cookie dough and talking about “that one time I was drunk I kissed a girl” shit.
But when its time to go out tnot being able to wear tight shirts leads them right to JUNKYARD!
Dont get me wrong i treasure these ladys becuase, well there not club girls and any girl that is not a club girl no matter filthy she is, is better then a club girl. Also you will find them easier to approach because when they try to wiggle threw the crowd they feel there belly’s brush up against things like corners of the bar and my knife. When girls feel there belly’s brush up against things that there tits don’t even reach to it takes the ol self esteem meter down a notch which in turn make them easy to approach. Hooray!
So for a guy like me these girls not only eat lots of cake but they also are the virtual cake for my romp and don’t let me forget the fucken icing on that cake! It’s the crispy cold plastic cup beers are mere 50 cents. !!
YES!THATSt’s right for less then a toll on the ol GSP ( not that I pay tolls) I get a cup of cold beer that tastes like piss. Some how the shitty taste is downd out by fact that it cost FIFTY SENSE! I show up early nobody’s here yet. I sit in my new convertible that I now don’t own because I blew it up (another story) looking up at the sky wondering if I will ever learn how to count. My friends pull up Billy, chris, billys lil bro and some other people I don’t remember. I’m feeling pretty jazzy so I go inside start talking to this person that person walks upstairs and deicide it would be a fun idea if we ordered 50$ worth of beer (100 cups of beer) the bartender refuses. This pisses me off. He tells me we won’t drink them all I tell him I drank 100 beers on the way in. He laughs and said we could order 25 at a time so I told my friend Billy to order 25 and I will order 25.
I was extremely proud of finding this loophole in the plastic cup beer system the barkeep was clearly annoyed that I found this loophole. I reassured him that we will give him mad crazy dope tits. I mean tips. He seemed happy with my empty promise. So we started drinking beer. These guys I used to hang out with where there. One was like yooo this is my x gf, and then hes like this is her fat friend. I was disturbed. These where not weed smoking hippos with pretty makeup on! These where crack smoking gutter trash club girls! I said to one of them “”what are u doing here!?” she just starred at me with those dead club girl eyes that tell the story of daddy rapeings and all that fun stuff that makes them them. Either she ignored me or just, I dunno didn’t process my words through her coke numbed brain and said ” Your cuteeeee” her friend then looks at me and says ” I saw him first ” and lets out an obnoxious fake laugh. Well long story short I made out with both of them at the same time and I have a picture of it to prove it. Not like it is something to be proud of, one was a pig and the other was my friends x gf which makes me a pig kissing x gf stealer but fuck it, its two chicks. One was a 4 and the other was a 6 so I guess if I put them together they where a ten. Ha-ha whatever who cares I was drunk enough to make out with a dvd player. This was over and I turn around and there sucking spit out of some other guy’s mouth. Good for him.
So I head back over to my friends and the beer is hardly gone. I’m mad. I start drinking pounding one cup of beer after the next like they are shots of water.
I’m to drunk I am throwing things singing the wrong words to songs and screaming at the band to play wu tang clan. I realize I have to pee. Bad.
ha-ha I mean this story is actually really short and I told parts of the night to make it longer but this is the point of this whole story.
And this is something that if you know me I would never wants to see, joke about, admit to seeing or think about. But its so fucken insane I felt the need to share. The utter thought of what I was about to see is so disgusting that even though I know for a fact I saw it when people tell me I made this story up I try to believe them that I am lying just so I can tell myself I didn’t really see this and people aren’t this fucken disgusting around me.
So I go to the bathroom Kid washing his hands, kid peeing. See a bathroom stall. I look at the stall. “Hmm”I tap on the door just a bit…to see if it was locked. It wasn’t. I pushed it open. Annnnnnnnd what do I see?
A guy on his knees in front of the toilet bowl eating a peace of shit.
I always have seen in movies people seeing horrible ungodly things and getting froze. I didn’t freez. I slammed the door shut backed up out of the bathroom and ran up stairs. I saw all my friends they where drking and falling all over the place. I looked at them. I thought about what I saw and I drank allot more… My friend asked me what was wrong I told him I saw a giant carrot beating up some cele
ry and broccoli, he told me I was crazy and continued doing whatever he was doing.
This happened. I wish it didn’t. But I remember him clear as day I saw what I saw and I wish I didn’t see it.
HER : I think that was by far the worst profile I have ever seen! No offense but if a girl weighs less than 100 lbs she is more than likely the one sticking her finger down her throat! I am both fit and smart but I definitely don’t weigh a 100 lbs! I’m sorry if you think the ideal woman is supposed to be a ditzy, more than likely clingy, non eating female. Just thought you should know that! Have a goodnight
ME: Please re-read paragraph one.
Oh and your picture sucks. What are you hiding?
hmm? i bet i know..
HER: first off what is there to gain from reading the first paragraph? I am not the typical airhead meaning i dont fall into any stereo type…..I don’t have time to watch alot of tv and i actually have intelligence! As far as what I am hiding in my picture….nothing….I prefer to not show my face for my reason I do have other pics that I keep private it I want to show them to someone I am talking to than I do so but for now it gives you an idea of my body type! I was a cheerleader for 10 yrs and a gymnast but I have a brain and I am not fat thank you nor am I annoying I just wanted to let you know that you seem to give off a very closed minded opinion on what a woman should be!
ME: EVERYONE has opinions. Plenty of people may not like the way I look or the way I think. But at the same time they have opinions as do you. There is nothing wrong with me having my opinion of what I am looking for.
Maybe you don’t like guys that have super greasy faces and weigh 600 pounds. IS it wrong for someone to tell you ” That’s ****ed up!”
NO because it is your life and you have a right to have standards.
I have had many relationships that I have settled. I would rather be alone forever then ever settle again. Don’t tell me I am wrong for saying what I want.
HER: yes but I am simply saying the way you have it worded is basically saying that if they are fat and smart they are nothing and if they are twigs than they have no mind! You are basically saying your looking for a girl to hang on your arm for not wanting to settle for something you seem to be looking for that I mean if you can support an airhead with no goals in her life than thats up to you but perhaps you may want to word it a little better because I am surprised that any girl talks to you!
ME: So the purpose of you messaging me was to give me advice on how to word things? HA!! !SAVE IT!!
First off I will give you a word of advice: Don’t give people advice that don’t ask for it because they won’t listen.
Support someone? Why would I want to support someone? My point is that I don’t give a f*** how smart and cool a girl is if she is fat and ugly. I just don’t. I am done pretending and I really have no interest in waisting on these busted woman that want a nice good looking guy but they look like they carry birthday cake around in that big ugly rip-off purse. I’m honestly getting angry even talking to you , You telling me that I should like ugly girls. You know NOTHING about me and the depth that I am and the capacity that I have. I did not ask you to message me or for your stupid opinion that every single other boring useless ****en retarded homley **** on this site has. Take ur ****en Cliché cookie cutter opinion and mail it to Oprah or something.
her: get angry all you want doesn’t affect me I can be happy with who ever i end up with you on the other hand will probably never be happy nor satisfied either that or you will be forced to settle again because no woman with any kind of rational thought would settle for you because you may be cute but you obviously still live in the times before woman were allowed out of the kitchen
Mary: i don t know
i think there is a song like it in rosemarys baby
try searching that
11:56 AM me: ugh
sounds like a lot of googling
11:57 AM me: google should make a noise
when you google
it should be like
and when there is no results it she be like
Mary: LOL yeah
that is a good sound
11:58 AM hahah goooooooooooooooogleeeee!
me: like a rock hitting the bottom of an empty bucket
me: YOUR RESULTS ARE ALMOST READY!!!
please relax while we google the web for your results
would you like a min
Mary: HAHAH a
why is that so funny
11:59 AM me: like they add time to the search
jsut so they can like do that
ur search results are important to us
please hodl while we check are records
12:01 PM Mary: your results will be ready in Tminus 5 min and counting
a big clock counts down, and it says literalyl “TICK TOCK TICK TOCK” while its counting down
statrts blinking and your computer starts shaking
paper starts like shooting out of it
12:02 PM Mary: hahahah
12:03 PM HOLD ON, here coem the results!! WOOOO WOOOOO
then iut just goes
at the end of all that
Mary: “sorry, your search could not be processed”
me: waaa waa waaa…… were sorry but google couldent find anytug
12:04 PM me: next titme please try searching for somthing that is more searchable
me: your search is not a search
although we at google can find anything , what you are searching for is not a real search
Mary: searchable searche sinvolve items we can search in our search engine
12:05 PM for a list of items you can search, please search for our searchable search items list
for tips tips on how to search please search
12:06 PM it woudl be funny if google was like the most complicated thing ever
and liek ur considerd a genious programmer
if ou know how to perform a search
all crazy like doe words and things to check off
Mary: hahah yeah
me: you get certified in searchingm. its like 900 page book
12:07 PM “that johnnny is making it BIG, i here he knows how to search on google!”
12:08 PM me: “i can search! .. well kinda , I can search for the number 1, but it is a start”
12:09 PM Mary: yeah you have to get certified in diff types of searches
like numbers than single letters
Mary: theny ou get certifeid in specific worsd and phrases
12:10 PM me: With the Bobalinian mind string method of searching ever letter of the word yoru searchign can be broken down to only 9 pages of code. It is possible to complete a search for a single word in less then a week!
can u imagine?
12:11 PM u want to search pizza ,as long as u dont make any mistakes in the code you might be lookign at pizza by next monday!
12:12 PM and there are error rules. if you make an error in your search code more than 3 times, you are banned from searching that word for 5 years
you like meet someone
that saved up 20 years of searches
” im waiting”
JUST USE THEM BRO!
12:13 PM ONe day,.,.. one day
it would be even funnier if there was all levers and nobs and stuff u had to pull and u had to shove coal into an oven
pump like a machine
Mary: hahah coal
12:14 PM like 589.1 degrees C
My Name is Anthony.
This moment. I felt true sorrow for the sins of humanity against the quite ones, the protectors ….
Look in your heart. You know of whom I speak..,
As I walked home in the wet cold rain battling the winds of the Atlantic as it pounded wave after wave of water pellets on the Manhattan sound like a hord of kill bots I grasped my savior as if he were a beacon of light that that shot threw the night. He was the only thing protecting me from the treacherous rage of pound smashing fuck storming rain fall.
He bent, he tore, his head fall off. I grasped him and pushed forward. Never have I seen such bravery and such sacrifice. Why was he protecting me? Why ?? Why ? Why should such a sinless creature protect me? I’m nearly a man who is imperfect and I should be protecting a creature as pure and giving as a
UMBRELLA. OH UMBRELLA, YOU SERVE ME BUT YOUR COURAGE HAS INSPIRED ME TO WEEP FOR YOUR FRIENDS YOU FAMILY
ARE FALLEN SOLDIERS!!!
Pictures from the battle ground , Manhattan. NY. 12.11.08 6K8G.
(Warning: graphic content. This may be hard for you to take)
A beacon of light..
Boys ready for battle in boot camp
A horrible scene. I get sick looking at this. God .. the humanity
THY pain est taketh thea away. for nothing lies in life but death.
I had to put him out of his misery for his metaleth claws were broken and death was soon to come. Do not weep for him for he is umberla and shall love in the umbrella holder of thy carriage keeper with the beach umberrals of fy mo mee
One of the most disgusting things i have ever seen. Look closley. Thrown away like trash with there little button pop up heads sticking out